Vicarious loss

I received some sad news today, more about sad for someone else, not me, but when that someone else is a wonderful, supportive, teacher and friend, I can't help but feel the loss some how myself.

Cindee is a wonderful, deep, intelligent, and most of all loving individual who has been my teacher, guide, and  friend since meeting her 2 years ago.  We have had marvelous discussions about spiritual development, theology and how psychology/clinical social work interacts with the divine and humanity.  Her discussions and class projects have helped me to know myself better, and embrace the goodness in myself and other.  She has given me the opportunity to grow as a person, a clinician, and a teacher, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Through all of that Cindee has become my friend, and enthusiastically has supported me, distracting me with conversation while I get my infusions at the cancer center.

Tomorrow I will miss her though the loss I feel will be much more than her physical presence.  Last night I heard the news that her husband Neil was in a traumatic car accident, and today I heard that he died Monday night.  I went on with my day, I had a patient to spend the afternoon with.   Sometimes the patient naps quite a bit and I had some quiet time.  Grief washed over me contemplating my friends loss and it was only the professionalism I have learned over the last couple of years that kept me from breaking down and weeping at that moment, I took in a deep breath and allowed the feeling to wash over me for a moment and blinked away the tears starting in my eyes.

When I left the home I called another new and dear friend, Barbara at the cancer center, who graciously agreed to change her plans and talk with me about Neil's death.  On arriving at the cancer center, we hugged, we shared the emotions and talked through the spiritual implications, talked about the weight of working in a field that is regularly faced with the disappointment of death.  We talked about what makes a for a good death, and shared experiences.  We talked about self care.  I have been blessed to be well supported with mentors and friends.

I came home and walked the house mate's dog, then returned home to indulge in some fruit and dark chocolate.

My mind is still chewing on things, my heart is aching for my friend, though only a fraction of the pain I am sure she feels.

Cindee,  I hope you and your boys are supported in the arms of family and friends, and in the depths of your grief I hope you experience the fullness of the peace that transcends our understanding and are embraced in the loving heart of the divine.