Wow, I am really feeling a lot of emotion today as I think about tomorrow and my first day of treatment. I don't think that I am all that worried about the treatment itself. I may have a little anxiety simply because I don't know how I will react to the treatment. The bulk of the emotion is something more. I have been noticing it building in little bits and pieces. The day I heard back from Stanford was a little disappointing, not because of the prestige of the organization but for what it represented. The hope of something better. I had no problem pulling the trigger and getting the treatment set up from that point. Reasonably I totally agree with the rituximab treatment. Last night I was a bit anxious and couldn't seem to get settled. I got to sleep ok because on Sunday I ran 4 miles following a thunderstorm and then walked home. That was more than double the mileage I have been running at one go the last few weeks. I ate some good food, but a little on the bland side because it was antiinflamitory. So around bedtime I was having some cravings and ate a nice Claussen pickle and some dip I made from diakon radish, cucumber and cashew milk, almost tastes like tazaki. Anyway, dreampt a lot and just didn't sleep too fitfully. Got a coupe of things done in the morning and then got lost reading and returning some emails. Thought I was late to my qi gong class so rushed out the door and got there 20 min. early. It starts at 11:30 not 11:00. So I ended up having a very nice conversation with the teacher about why I was there, how the training she had in soaring crane qi gong was related to cancer an some of the eastern theories of how and why it works. Class was really good, excepting that as I concentrate I tend to hold all the tensions tight in my shoulders. She mentioned it once and I immediately dropped my shoulders and a lot of tension with it. Then I came home to make a quick sandwich and off to my client. After I sat and ate my sandwich, I felt so relaxed and tired. I micro napped 5 minutes at a time for about an hour and a half all together. I realized how much of the tension I had been holding was gone. I can also feel my emotions that I have been blocking and avoiding more vividly.
As I drove home from my client I realized this dread settling heavily in the pit of my stomach. Somehow, something about starting treatment makes it more real. Like soaking a black and white negative in fixer, or adding a few drops of hardener to fiberglass resin, it seemed there was at least a bit more distance between us before tomorrow. Tomorrow the image becomes that much more real, the glass hardens, there is no going back on this road. Tomorrow morning, I won't be thinking about it, researching it, discussing it, or planning for it anymore. The dress rehearsal is over. This time when the lights come on and the curtain drops, it will be the real deal. I don't want to do it again, I don't want to have to be again so close to fears that were buried for so many years. I don't want to be so close there is no way to look away, surrounded by the warm breath in the mouth of death, infused with the reality of a pain filled world. This is not the world I was made for. Being once again so close to death is at once invigorating and petrifying.
That is where I will be tomorrow. Not in shock, not with the cushion of denial, not wondering where this road might lead, maybe I'll even have the courage to leave the safety of intellectual reason to experience the presence of the moment, spending the day with a flower without naming it's parts. I'll be there...tomorrow.
Today I'm going to walk the dog by the lake, and I might just have a slice of flourless chocolate torte at Olive or a scoop of chocolate mousse at Brasserie 4.
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